I shall not beat my step-dad with a hammer.
I shall not bash his head in with a rock.
I shall not sell his liver to that gypsy down the river,
Nor bind him tight and shove him off the dock.
I shall not lie in hiding like a sniper.
I shall not dig a pitfall in his path,
Nor drop spiders in his ear,
Nor drip poison in his beer,
Nor pour sulfuric acid in his bath.
I shall not creep upon him when he’s sleeping,
And I shall not take advantage when he’s drunk.
I won’t garrote him with wire.
I won’t set his bed on fire.
I won’t chop him up and pack him in a trunk.
I won’t electrocute him with the toaster,
Nor puncture him and bleed him ‘till he’s white,
Nor slip snakes between his sheets,
Nor feed him glass in tasty treats
But if I were him … I wouldn’t floss tonight.